


I Mean, Face It

by dearevansboyfriend



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Connor Will Live AU, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, also i might make a fic outta this so, basically the connor reads the letter scene but it goes well, but if this becomes a fic it'll be angst city, but its only a bit, some A+ tree bros bonding, tbh a lil fluff/bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 09:21:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11354517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearevansboyfriend/pseuds/dearevansboyfriend
Summary: Oh I know. Because there’s Connor. And all my hope is pinned on Connor who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. Maybe… maybe if things were different, we could be friends? Finally I could find a person to talk to and give a shit about me?...But be real, no one would want to be your friend. I guess I just want to be a part of something; but really, would anything be different? I mean, face it: would anyone even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?





	I Mean, Face It

**Author's Note:**

> the self harm mention is evan who frequently digs his nails into his hands when he is stressed out, if that kind of things upsets you, don't read this! stay safe!

_Fuck this fucking shit._

 

Connor walked into the computer lab, looking for a place to cool off from his text argument with his father. He was about to sit a plug his headphones in, but he ran into a certain nervous blonde, fumbling with his words.

 

“H-hi, u- uh, um,” Evan looked around nervously, seeming not wanting to make eye contact with Connor under any circumstances.

 

_Probably because you shoved him like the fucking physcopath you are, freak._

 

Connor ignored the voice, and decided to respond to him. “Hey.”

 

“Uh- uh, I um- I-” Evan tried stumbling out. He clearly didn’t know what to say, so Connor just said the first thought that came to his mind.

 

“So, how’d you break your arm?” Connor tried supplying. He mentally cringed at his own attempt at conversation.

 

“O-oh I, I uh, fell out of a tree actually,” Evan said, again not making eye contact. Connor could see his face go a shade redder as he tells him. Evan seemed to make a face as he said it though, as if he didn’t like what he was saying.

 

He feels the tension, so he tries to lighten it by laughing, “You fell out of a tree? That is just about the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my god.”

 

_Nice one, laughing at the anxious kid. Asshole._

 

Evan tries laughing along, but he can tell it’s forced.

 

“I know,” Evan’s laugh quickly dies off and he’s left with an empty feeling on his face. He seems to twiddle his thumb for a moment, desperately searching for something to say.

 

Connor almost walked out, but the stark whiteness of Evan’s cast caught his attention. “No one’s signed your cast.”

 

Evan seems caught off guard by the observation. “No, I know,” He rushes out.

 

Connor hesitates for a moment, and then decides he really has nothing to lose. “I can sign it.” He says finally.

 

“Oh um… You don’t have to,” Evan says after a moment.

 

Connor doesn’t know how to take this response, but he supposes it’s not an outright refusal. “Do you have a sharpie?”

 

It only takes a few moments, but Evan eventually takes a sharpie out of his pocket with nervous and shaking hands, and gives it to Connor. He watches in near shock as Connor scrawls his name over nearly the entire outside of the cast. Connor pops the cap back on the marker and hands it back to Evan, but it takes him a while until he realizes Connor’s still outstretched hand. He takes the sharpie and quickly shoves it back in his pocket.

 

“There, now we can both pretend we have friends,” Connor says solemnly. He can see Evan deflate a moment when he says ‘pretend’ but he doesn’t mention it.

 

Evan turns to leave, “O- oh um th-thanks. Thank y-you I mean, for um, signing it. I uh, I should probably go-” Evan stutters out and grips the straps on his bag tighter, ready to leave.

 

“Is this yours?” Connor interrupts his departure with a question that Evan is startled by. His eyes go wide and he seems to be frozen for a moment.

 

“W-what?” Evan asks quietly.

 

“I found it on the printer. “Dear Evan Hansen”. That’s your name right?” Connor tries to sound as calm and gentle as he’s spoken in a while, as he doesn’t want to scare him off.

 

“Oh um, th-that’s just some st-stupid assignment, a paper for um, it’s a letter for um, I me- I mean it doesn’t matter b-but I uh,” Evan stumbles out. He’s shaking and his eyes are screaming to get the paper back.

 

“Because there’s Connor, who I don’t know and who doesn’t know me but-” Connor’s face must’ve portrayed absolute disgust because Evan immediately jumped to defend himself.

 

“No! No, I mean, yes, but um- I mean it’s just an assignment from my therapist to write a letter to yourself so uh- please I mean, it’s not supposed to be creepy or anything. It is, I’m so so sorry pl-please don’t tell anyone I wrote that, please you weren’t supposed to find it I’m so sorry-” While Evan rambled and panicked beside him, Connor was reading the rest of his letter.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_It turns out, this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because… why would it be?_

 

_Oh I know. Because there’s Connor. And all my hope is pinned on Connor who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. Maybe… maybe if things were different, we could be friends? Finally I could find a person to talk to and give a shit about me?_

 

_I went to that old orchard a few weeks ago, and I saw Connor there. He seemed so calm and peaceful, I almost talked to him but I didn’t want to freak him out. I know he’s not psychotic or a freak. Maybe, he’s just looking for a friend, and maybe I can be that?_

 

_But be real, no one would want to be your friend. I guess I just want to be a part of something; but really, would anything be different? I mean, face it: would anyone even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?_

 

-and I’m just so so sorry Connor.” Evan’s out of breath and panicked eyes got his attention again. Connor decided to do the unthinkable.

 

“Did you really mean this?” Connor asked. Everything was screaming at Connor to _‘leaveleaveleave he’s going to tell everyone how crazy and gullible you are getout get out’_ but he still stayed and waited for Evan’s response.

 

“No!” Evan said a bit too loudly. Connor would see him picking at his cast and the crescent shaped indents in his palm, God this kid was freaking out.

 

“No?” Connor asked back. _‘No?’_ So this all was a big fucking joke.

 

“No! Yes! I mean- God, I’m such a mess I’m so sorry-” Evan started rambling out apologizes again.

 

“Just say whether or not this is a fucking joke Hansen,” Connor said in a low voice, trying to keep his anger in check.

 

“No! I isn’t! I swear, I’m sorry for writing it but I wasn’t lying in it, I mean, I mean I u-uh would like to, y’know be f-friends.” Evan forced out the last word from his shut mouth. Even he seem shocked at himself. Immediately after the words left his mouth Evan’s eyes went to the ground and his hand started desperately picking at his cast again.

 

Connor honestly didn’t know what to say. Nothing would’ve ever prepared him for Evan fucking Hansen, the kid who refuses to leave class until 3 minutes after the bell rings to ensure he doesn’t bump into anyone in the hallway, to just ask to be his friend.

 

“I uh-” Connor was trying to find the right words. He didn’t know whether or not to accept, but all he was left with was _‘what did he have to lose?’_

 

“You don’t have to answer now I mean, I- I understand this is a w-weird situation and I would t-totally get it if you u-um w-” Evan interrupted. He seemed to be shaking even more than earlier and his palm now seemed almost completely red from his nails.

 

“Sure.” Was all Connor said, but it seemed enough to shut Evan up. Evan’s eyes seemed, for lack of a better word, hopeful. Like he was actually happy they could be friends.

 

“R-Really?” Evan’s grinned for a moment, and looked into Connor’s eyes. His cheeks had somehow gotten even darker since the beginning of their conversation, and his nails had suddenly seemed to stop digging into his hand.

 

“Yeah, just, don’t get your hopes up about me. I’m not particularly optimistic,” Connor said to Evan while chuckling.

 

 _‘I wouldn’t call actively suicidal ‘not particularly optimistic’ but whatever’_ a voice in his head supplied. Connor shook his head and tried to continue his conversation with Evan. Apparently though, his head shaking didn’t go unnoticed.

 

“Are you alright?” Evan asked, genuine concern lacing his voice. Connor thought about biting back a ‘what’s it to you?’ but honestly, this kid didn’t seem menacing. He looked up and down at Evan; His back was hunched, his cheeks were red, his nails were bitten but still seemed long enough to dig into his hands. His hair was messy and blonde, and as per his signature look, his blue polo was wrinkled and seemed only a bit too big on him.

 

Evan Hansen didn’t seem like he meant any harm, he really didn’t.

 

So Connor, decided to repay the favor, “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Thanks Evan.” He said, with a smallest of smiles on his face.

 

Evan’s eyes lit up for a moment, but he seemed to get himself back in check to ask Connor another question. “Um do you u-uh think, um, do you want my number?” Evan had started picking at his cast again and casting his glance down to the floor, seemingly dreading Connor’s answer.

 

“Yeah, let me get a sticky note, I have some in my bag,” Connor crouched down for a second and set his messenger bag on the floor to more thoroughly look through it. Evan looked down and could see ‘CONNOR’ scrawled across it in similar type to his cast. Only a few moments later Connor had two sticky notes in hand and was writing a series of numbers on one and handing both of them to Evan.

 

“Here,” He said, finishing writing down his number, “and here’s a blank one so you can give me yours I guess,” Connor said hesitantly.

 

“Oh! Uh- uh yeah, ok,” Evan took both notes, putting one behind his phone case, (he could’ve sworn he almost saw Connor smile at his phone case decorated with different types of trees) and wrote down his own number and gave it back to Connor.

 

“Thanks, and I- I’m sorry.” Connor said to him, suddenly sounding far more serious than a moment ago. Evan is confused for a second but quickly realized what Connor is apologizing for. His face goes red at the reference of the altercation this morning.

 

“Oh um, it’s totally fine, like, I understand why you were upset but I wasn’t- I mean, I wasn’t laughing earlier and also what Jared said was totally out of line I’m so sorry for him but uh- I mean,” Evan was quickly getting out of breath and stopped for a moment. “I forgive you, and th-thank you for not being totally weirded out by that letter, I really appreciate it.” Evan tried to give Connor a small smile.

 

“It’s alright Hansen, don’t worry about it. Y’know maybe we can both have friends this year.” Connor reciprocated the smile and bent down to pick his bag back up. He looked at the clock on the wall behind Evan and realized their free period was almost over.

 

“Hey, um, we only have like a few minute before it’s 5th period,” Connor said, changing topic.

 

Evan’s eyes went wide and his hand gripped the straps of his back. “Really? Okay, um- I really should get to class, I uh- I have science next and it’s like all the way across the school so um-” He said getting his stuff together.

 

“Yeah, I get it,” Connor said unexcited, not  particularly wanting to continue this school day.

 

Evan was about to leave, but he turned and walked nervously up to Connor again. His nails were in his palm as he met Connor’s eyes, “Hey uh, Connor if you ever need something, you can um- uh just shoot me a text. I never have plans to I’m always free if you need something,” Evan said surprisingly lacking in stutters, but he soon grew nervous wondering if he was being too forward with Connor and tried backtracking, “-or something, y’know. Sorry,”

 

“Hey uh, thanks Hansen, really. I really appreciate it, but you should probably get to class though,” Connor said with a light chuckle in his voice. He looked down at his hands, realizing that Evan’s letter was still in his hands.

 

“Hey you still need this right? For uh- therapy?” Connor said nervously. Evan’s face looked shocked and then blushed again.

 

“I uh, you can um- just throw that away. I don’t think my therapist is going to want to see um a letter th-that has y’know that last part in it, and everything,” Evan looked away, as if he was embarrassed by what he was talking about.

 

“Oh okay, um, you can get to class. I’ll toss it it the trash for you,” Connor offered. He noticed Evan’s discomfort that he clearly wanted to get out of this room.

 

“Oh! Okay, yeah um- I’ll uh, see you around, or text you or- Okay,” Was the last thing Evan said before he walked quickly out the door and up the stairwell. Connor looked down at the sticky note in his hand, along with Evan’s letter. _'y’know that last part in it, and everything,’_ is what Evan had said. What did the last part say?

 

Connor opened Evan’s letter and skimmed to the bottom. He looked for something a therapist would not want to see, and almost closed the letter, until he the read last sentence.

 

_I mean, face it: would anyone even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?_

 

It hit him like a punch to the gut, he had to reread the line over in his head. He never really thought much about Evan, or having friends before today. He would’ve never guess him and Evan could really have that much in common. Connor guesses him and Evan really are more similar than he thought. Maybe they really could be friends.

 

“Maybe this year will be different Hansen,” he said to the empty computer lab. He smiled down at the sticky note in his hand, showing a shakily written cell phone number and what looked to be a small pine tree in the corner of the note. Connor’s small laugh echoed off the walls as he pulled out his phone and a started typing out a message to Evan.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! im nicole! I have another fic, it's called "The Joke Isn't Funny Anymore" so if you liked this I suggest you read that! It's far more angstier! Love you all so much! Also my tumblr is dear-evans-boyfriend.tumblr.com if you want to see more of me!


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